I was extremely anxious leading up to this ultrasound. This was the point in my last pregnancy when we found out that the pregnancy hadn't progressed. I kept reliving what it was like to come home from that ultrasound, feeling like the rug had just been pulled out from under me in the worst possible way. So even though I knew in my head that probably everything was fine, I couldn't feel it in my heart until we made it through this big milestone.
The ultrasound tech was very understanding about our situation (our midwife had briefed them in advance). As soon as I got on the table, I averted my eyes from the screen. I couldn't watch this time. But right away, she said "everything looks fine with the baby." And then I did look, and surprise! There was a baby on the screen! A baby with hiccups -- even better! (Hiccups show that the diaphragm is developing, and are a reassuring sign if you're concerned about CDH, which was the cause of my sister losing her first pregnancy at 20 weeks).
We watched the baby kick his tiny legs and move his arms, bringing his fingers close to his mouth. The amount of development visible since our first ultrasound, when the baby looked like a bean with a heartbeat and limb buds, was remarkable. Mikhail said to me: "Well, now we know why you've been feeling so crappy. Look at all the work you've been doing!"
I still wasn't able to totally relax until the ultrasound tech ran my bloodwork and gave us the good news that the baby had a negative screen for Downs syndrome and the other disorders they're testing for during this ultrasound. And then my first reaction? I just wanted to cry in relief. In fact, I've been crying off and on for the last few days. I think all the tension and exhaustion of waiting has really come home to me now, and I'm relieved and weepy and still nauseous and excited and weepy again...
This pregnancy has been so challenging mentally and physically. And to add to that, throughout it, I've been reliving the sadness, disappointment and feeling of betrayal that came out of my miscarriage. But now, finally, I'm heading into a new chapter. The second trimester approaches, and I'm looking forward to when I can go a whole day without wanting to toss my cookies. And when I can once again look forward to eating cookies (or look forward to eating anything, really)!
Meanwhile, Elan's home with the double-whammy: pink eye plus ear infection. Lovely green eye goop. The joys of parenthood...