drooling...

Baby's first fever collides with massive work project.

After many hours of holding and soothing, and many more hours of typing and staring at my computer screen, I simply must show you a few little things. If money grew on trees, I'd get these for my poor feverish baby. They wouldn't make him feel better (only infant tylenol does that), but they sure would look cute.

Organic owls by Dwell. I'm such a fan of the one-piece playsuit.

New Zealand lambswool booties by KINA, in Spice - I saw these on a baby in yoga class & loved them. So super soft!

Rainbow Padraig booties. Knitted outside, sheepskin inside. My friend Kristina likes them in the cool, neutral colors.

Soft Star Suede Roos are what I have from when Elan was little. I need to dig them out from some storage box or another. (psst - their big annual sale is coming up soon)

And if I lived somewhere very cold (and money grew on trees), a Soft Star North Star boot might be in order.

Is it just me, or does baby stuff keep getting cuter?

resolute!

It's late January, and I haven't written about New Year's Resolutions. How is this possible? Where is the time going?

Oh, yeah, the hours are eaten up by staring at my beautiful baby. He's so cute! How does anyone get anything done with such a cute baby?

See what I mean?

Anyway, I have big hopes for 2011. Jobs, health, good sleep... but the one I want to write about here & now is getting my body back.

That is such a phrase -- "getting my body back." It makes me cringe. After all, this is my body, even if, at a casual glance, I don't recognize my reflection in shop windows. And this body has produced such marvels: two children, through trials and tribulations and labor (natural, x 2!) and months of morning sickness, back pain, and heartburn! Not to mention nursing, and the copious leg chub Emry is producing from my breast milk.

(Pause to squeeze ridiculously soft and squishy leg chub -- his, that is.)

And yet... I do want my body "back." I know it won't be exactly what it was before. I'm okay with that (at least I am 99% of the time). My body is feeling so much better than when I was pregnant. But I am carrying a lot more weight than I would like to be, and my automatic post-partum weight loss has stopped. When Elan was about 3 months old, I had also reached a weight loss plateau. But this time I've plateaued at a higher number. Darn that slowing metabolism.

I feel the effects of carrying extra weight in my feet, my back, my shoulders. And I certainly see the effects. I'm talking to you, little belly that makes me still look 3 months pregnant.

My New Year's Resolution is to lose 20 pounds and feel healthy, vital and strong, while keeping up my milk supply (meaning no drastic cleanses or crazy diets, not that that's my style anyway). Using healthy weight loss (hello willpower), I'd like to fit back into my size 6 jeans by the summer. Wow - writing that makes me feel anxious. What if I don't meet my goal, after I've announced it here, in a public forum, and everyone knows?? Confronted!

I've decided to come up with new plan every month. That way I don't feel too locked into anything, and as my body becomes more fit, I can ramp up my exercise without getting injured (like the knee injury I suffered as a result of overzealous spin classes after my miscarriage). My plan for January is simple and pretty easy to follow. It's designed to get me going, and hopefully see just enough change to inspire me to ramp it up (as opposed to feeling overwhelmed, giving up, and gorging on Nutella, which sounds mighty appealing).

Plan for January -- Getting Going:

- Some exercise daily, including walks, sun salutations, stomach exercises for my diastasis.

-2-3 longer or more intense workouts a week (swimming, yoga class, cardio on the bike/eliptical at the gym)

-Max 2 sweet treats a day (1 sweet treat = 1 cookie, 1 hot chocolate, a small piece of chocolate, etc.)

-Try to reach for fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and protein rather than seeking a quick and easy energy boost in white-flour carbs.

-Take vitamins & Omegas.

-Drink lots of water & herbal tea.

I've been doing this since January 10, and most days have been a success. There was that one episode with the chocolate cake. But for the most part, this month's plan is easy and liberal enough to stick with. Ironically, the last one - drinking more water and herbal tea (because it's hydrating, low-cal and a change of pace from H2O) - is what I've done the least, and it's got to be the easiest one.

As I write this, I realize I have no idea if this kind of thing is interesting for others to read. It seems rather self-indulgent to outline my weight loss plan on my blog. But based on the number of post-partum mamas I know, and on the number of weight loss advertisements I see everywhere this month, I figure it's a topic on a lot of peoples' minds. And by writing it here, I will feel a need to follow up. Accountability! (And besides, a blog is rather inherently self-indulgent anyway, is it not?)

And now, a reward for those of you who have made it to the end of this post:

Squeezable fun for everyone.

one thing i've learned

I was writing a post about New Year's resolutions, but I didn't finish it, and when I came back to it, I was in a different mood, a different place, a different person. That's the danger of not finishing something -- I either wait until the mood comes back around again, have to force myself back into it, or let it go.

I will finish the post about New Year's resolutions, I will!

But suddenly at 4:00 yesterday afternoon, the weariness set in. I don't know how else to describe that kind of tiredness that makes you wish that, more than anything, you could just lie down. And when the baby wemers from his vibrating chair to nurse two minutes after I've plopped into a mostly-prone position on our deteriorating couch (which was not so comfortable to start with), I feel a little dizzy propelling myself up again. That kind of weary.

So as soon as someone else was available to look after Elan, I took to my bedroom. I hadn't done this in a while, but it brought back memories of night after night of terrible first-trimester sickness, when I'd hide out in my bedroom from the smells of food, and later in the pregnancy-that-went-on-forever, when I'd collapse into bed in the early evening, my body exhausted and sore from the rigors of a day spent defying gravity.

I got into bed with the baby, nursed him, watched a bad TV show on hulu. Let myself ignore the state of my messy downstairs, my father-in-law's visit (I knew he'd understand), Elan's bedtime. My body, so much more active than it was a few months ago, or even a handful of weeks ago said: Retreat. Rest. Lay down.

And so I did.

And then I took a very hot bath, drank water, ate chicken coconut milk soup, and socialized a little bit.

It's a lesson I really did learn from the pregnancy-that-went-on-forever: sometimes you just need to retreat.

And watch some bad TV.

checklist for baby yoga class

Out of the car seat and onto the yoga mat...

Tummy time asana?

Check.

Spit up on yoga mat?

Check.

Kick legs in air asana?

Check.

Spit up on blanket?

Check.

Look around cutely asana?

Check.

Fall asleep?

Check.

Startle awake?

Check.

Being held by teacher asana?

Check.

Poop on teacher?

Check.

Diaper change asana?

Check.

Spit up on floor?

Check.

Whew... what a workout!

dinner conversation

My picky eater, as a dinner plate is set before him:

"I love ham!"

What every Jewish mother loves to hear.

"Blueberries -- yuck!"

What kid doesn't like blueberries? They're blue, and sweet. What's not to like?

"Seaweed -- yum! I love seaweed!"

Go figure.

"Can I have dessert?"

Now chocolate -- that's pretty much always a winner.

Just like his mama.

this is why i don't read

Because I get hooked, lose all self-control, and - boom! - just like that! - the precious morning Elan-in-preschool hours are gone, and I've got nothing done.

Nothing except lose myself completely in a love story. It's nice to see a woman who, after 4 children, still has the hots for her husband so much that she posts a picture of his Wrangler-clad assets in the sidebar of her website.

I have the hots for my husband, too. But I'll hold off on the picture, at least for now.

In the middle of the night, as our children were tag-teaming us in the wake-up department, I had an idea to turn this woman's story into a screenplay. But then my writing partner informed me that Sony & Reese Witherspoon had already beat me to it. Aw, shucks. I was *this* close.

solace

There's a lot going on these days -- in my world, in my body, in my mind. I'm a little bit overwhelmed. Job & work stuff makes me stressed. Packing up the teeny tiny clothes that Emry, in his 2-month-old plumpness, has already outgrown makes me nostalgic. Elan has been doing an A+ job of pushing my buttons, and then I get mad, and then I get sad that I feel mad and overwhelmed and nostalgic and stressed. All at the same time.

Maybe there are some post-partum hormones going on there too.

Just maybe.

I found a post on The Pioneer Woman's blog that is gives me comfort & perspective right now. Maybe I'll make a daily practice of looking at these pictures. And doing yoga. Taking hot baths. Deep breathing.

You get the idea.

And though my perfect baby seems to be learning how to fuss (which makes me feel stressed, overwhelmed, sad & nostalgic), when he is happy (as he is now, cooing in his vibrating chair), in him I find solace.

welcome 2011!

It's raining in San Diego, but it's still the beach, and it's beautiful. Tonight Elan & I had a little steam in the jacuzzi at 5:30 p.m. which he thought was quite novel because it was dark. The pool and jacuzzi were lit up and it was so remarkably civilized to sit in the hot water and talk with my son about his day. He went to the science center with my parents and sister and nephew while Mikhail and I took Emry around on errands and *talked.* We've got some big talks going on this week as we envision what 2011 might hold for us. More on that later, when I've got my thoughts together & a faster Internet connection at my disposal.

For now, have you seen this incredible video that there's so much buzz about? It's good visual fodder for when you're feeling reflective, joyful, full-up of beauty (or want to feel that way).

Hope your first days of 2011 are lovely & full of grace.